divorce?

roaringrock

is anyone a child of divorced parents? do you think this affects how you will raise your child/children?

for me, yes and YES! I'm already seeing subtle shifts in my parenting. I grew up with a father that came and went as he pleased. my memories of him are very sketchy and some are not so great (horrible actually.) my mother (who was amazing) raised me to be strong and independent -- like her. but she was forced into the situation and had no choice.

throughout my adult life I have had issues with men. surprise, surprise. I tackled them with therapy after a very bad break-up. I am really in tune now with my relationship with DH. although at times I find myself regressing into bad thoughts and feeling insecure. but I'm very aware of these feelings.

my point is, I think I'm raising ginny like my mom raised me -- BUT I'm doing this by choice. unfortunately this excludes DH in certain ways. he has already expressed that he will forever be disappointing ginny because of his ridiculous career schedule. it's almost like I'm preparing her to grow up "fatherless." I'm doing this because it's what I know. in a way I feel like I'm protecting her (starting now) from going through what I went through -- a lot of heartache and sadness. it's only natural.

there. I said it. my friends with married parents really cannot relate at all. please, no flames.

TheSkimmy

Yes for sure!!! I come on here and complain about my husband but in reality... I'm probably to blame just as much. I don't know how to COparent instead of just being THE parent. My dad moved out when I was 9 and up until then he was on "trips" all the time (with my now stepmom) so he wasn't around much.

I need to make an effort to realize Charlie has 2 very involved parents not just me. 

roaringrock

TheSkimmy:

I need to make an effort to realize Charlie has 2 very involved parents not just me. 

you are absolutely right! but it's not easy (even when you are conscious of this.)

oct11bride03

My parents divorced when I was very young and while my father remained part of my life he certainly wasn't around all the time. It definitely colored my perception of men and has affected my marriage at times. Thankfully my husband understands my feelings and has worked to help me through any issues that arise.

Now that I'm pregnant I wonder how my parent's divorce will affect the way I raise my child. I can't imagine it not having an affect...I believe our childhood and how we were raised directly impacts how we will raise our children. I just don't know how and to what extent yet.

marriedgirl05

Yes, and yes for me too, but in a different way.  I guess my parents divorce (when I was 10) has helped me see what I want in a husband and father, and work really hard to get it.  As the oldest child, I was always the go-between, and always the one trying to make sure everyone was happy.  In a lot of ways that hasn't changed at all.  But it is definitely something I will try to make sure Evan doesn't have to do.  I also think my parents' divorce has made me more conscious of making sure the boys are confident and able to do things on his own (but maybe I'd be even more this way if they were girls).  On the other hand, my Dad worked a lot and traveled a lot, even before my parents were divorced and didn't do a whole lot of the "child raising" (although it's interesting to hear him think he did...).  My mom pretty much did everything, but I am not like that at all.  I am very much into co-parenting, and DH sharing the child raising responsibilities, even though I'm a SAHM (like my mom was too).  It's funny because I specifically remember talking to my mom about how I thought Dad should have some responsibilities in cleaning the house - and I was only about 5 yrs old!  I guess I've always been a harda$$! :-)  (fwiw, she told me to mind my own business!!)

tina623

My parents divorced when I was 12.  My dad was bi polar manic so I don't blame him much but we went to live with my mom and I ended up taking care of her children while she went bar hopping.  She would (and still does my 12 year old sister) drop us off with anyone anywhere.

I'm extremely involved with my girls because of that.  I don't leave them with babysitters unless its necessary, like work and weekend meetings, and I take them everywhere I go or I don't go.  I'm a lot more calm and I never raise my voice.  I tend to remember how my mom handled things and I do the complete opposite.

tnkrbl21

This brings up such an interesting topic.  My parents divorced when I was 7 or 8 yrs old so I don't really ever remember them being together, but it was such a horrible divorce that I think even 20 yrs later it still has had a lasting impact on both my brother and I.  Since I never really saw their marriage deteriorate, I dont think I take things out on DH or have different expectations of him.  I'm not sure how the divorce will affect our parenting, but I think we'll be ok.  I defintely know that I will do things like my mother did - like yours mine had to raise us on her own and she did the best she could but by no means was she perfect. 

I still have massive issues with my father and I think this will really impact me raising my kids in terms of stress because he keeps saying how he hopes he can be a part of his grandkids lives (ps he hasnt called or spoken to me in almost a month) so why exactly does he deserve to be a part of my kids lives?  Oh and did I mention that his wife (he actually married the next door neighbor - yes we lived next dorr to my dad and his new wife for years while our house was forclosed and we lost everything) is the wicked witch of the west to put it nicely.  I just know that he is going to continue to cause stress in my life once the boys get here because of his desire to be a part of their lives and that in turn means that he will do nothing execpt expect me to involve him and that's just not going to happen.

Ok I've rambled long enough. 

muppet.fan

No flames here. I just wanted to say I have nothing but admiration for those of you who were young children of divorce and who have made it through it. My parents divorced in 2000 (after 29 years of marriage). Being 23 then, I could try to understand it and rationalize it, but it was and still is a massive struggle. I don't know how little kids survive it.

I know it will likely impact how we raise our daughter. I basically watched my parents' relationship fail and I definitely have issues from that. Luckily I have fantastic relationships with both my parents, but I met dh less than two years after their divorce and I kept him at arms length for some time because I wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship. I don't want my own issues to affect our daughter, but on the other hand, I know that dh and I would be prepared to go to great lengths so we don't end up like my parents. Hopefully that will only benefit our marriage and our baby!

LucyPevensie

Yep!  Product of divorce and product of a very dysfunctional, scary home until my dad left (FINALLY!) when I was 13.  I truly, truly never understood all of the tween books I would read at that age where the kids were upset about their parents divorcing.  Seriously.  It wasn't until I was older that I realized "Oooohh... some kids aren't afraid of their dad!"  Mine was very mean and abusive, physically and verbally.  I now realize he is probably bipolar along with varying forms of other mental illness (as runs in my family unfortunately.)  I have no contact with him today - and haven't for years.

ALL THAT SAID ... I was in therapy for years.  My two sisters have never really been in therapy and continue to suffer as a result - as do their children.  I am "better" .. but will always be affected by my childhood.  I have daddy issues - no doubt.  Anger issues too.  All of which affected my choice of men - and my choice of husband.  He and I have come a long way in our relationship and in some ways - IF was a blessing - it forced up to remain childless for 5 years of marriage - during which time my husband has been in therapy working on his issues (and still is) and the two of us were in marriage counseling for a while earlier in our relationship and marriage.  Things aren't perfect - but we are very bonded and I think we'll stay together.  We love each other and our son very much and my husband is growing into a good dad.  And I hope I am a good mom and can be a strong, loving mother to my son always.  I know I'm doing better than my sisters, and that is difficult to witness - I have tried to help so much over the years but today - am more focused on myself and my family.  And trying to allow myself to do that - and to be OK with it.  It's hard when I see my nephews and nieces suffering.  No one is beating them or anything - just some poor parenting decisions (very poor) have been made.  And I lost a nephew recently to suicide  - more of the mental illness that runs in my family.  Another nephew (different sister's son) is bipolar and probably schizophrenic as well - and refuses treatment - he showed signs for YEARS that his mother ignored.  It's hard.     

OK, sorry to go off on my own tangent.  But yes - my childhood has affected all of my adult decisions! 

beebe929

Wow. A light bulb moment here! My parents didn't divorce until I was in college, after 28 years of marriage.

I do find myself doing this "I can do it myself" thing with DH sometimes.  Last night I did this instead of "asking for help" getting DD to bed.  I feel like I need to prove to myself I can do it alone.  Why do I need to do this?  Am I trying to prepare for the future.  WOW.

Okay time to step away from this post.... No time to "consider" all this.

Sorry you are all dealing with something like this.

kittylove

No flames here, in many ways I do the same thing. But I also really try to include him. I don't want him to have the relationship I did with my dad.

franciscaz

My father was an abusive alcoholic.   We were happy when he wasn't around.  He is permanently disabled now and very much a part of our lives but it was a difficult transition.

So now, I think I have issues in my marriage.  Instead of excluding Chris I put really high expectations on him.  If he forgets to read Harmon his evening book I rip him a new one.  I am somehow scared my children will not have those nice memories (like dad playing catch in the yard w/my brothers or doing a father/daughter dance).  So I really push DH hard.

We have attended a bit of counseling and I am now more aware of my actions and am working on them.  DH is working on being more understanding as well.  Together that is is helping.  This is on top of the counseling I received in college.

I really recomend couples counseling.  You need to take the time to come to grips and heal and he does too (b/c this is hard on him).  You also need to protect your marriage and family!  You do this by confronting the problem rather than ignoring it (which just by acknowledging that is a great start).  GL!!!!  I really do believe we can overcome our pasts... it takes effort and a lot of time though.

schmoodle

My parents separated/divorced when I was very young (5 or 6 years old) and while I don't think it really affected how I deal with men, I think my mom's being a single mom and working a lot will definitely influence my decisions.

She was a single mother, successful attorney, involved in a lot of organizations and extracurricular type stuff, and worked over an hour away from where we lived, so I really didn't see her much growing up. She would come home at 8-9 pm at the earliest, I remember it was a HUGE deal when she'd come to a weekday softball game or something (although she was very involved in our weekend activities) and we pretty much took care of ourselves (or my older brother/housekeepers took care of most stuff until I was old enough to do so myself).

Because of this, I'm already worried about my job and planning on limiting my work hours and taking steps to always be around, to not have too long a commute, et cetera. I'm not angry at my mom because I know she was raising 3 kids by herself and that being a professional woman was a lot less flexible in the 80's, but I'm definitely going to take advantage of the resources and choices available to me now by virtue of having a partner and being in a more progressive time so my children don't grow up with parents that are rarely around.

ela81

My parents divorced when I was 13 almost 14. I was happy when my mom divorced my dad. I asked her to when I was 8 when I found out from a friend what divorce was. I don't like my dad and I never really have. I was clear he did not want me. I think it's been 7 years since we have talked to him. My brother and I were lucky enough to have friends who had wonderful dads so we knew what a good dad was. My dh will tell you I have "daddy issues", I don't think I do. As far as dd goes I want her to know she can take care of her self like my mom raised me.

roaringrock

wow! a lot of interesting stories. obviously our past plays a huge role in who we are today and how we potentially parent our children. one major thing I do know is how I don't want my home to be like (based on experience.) like they say, knowledge is power.

I do go to great efforts to "nip things in the bud" with DH so they don't escalate to huge arguments. sure we have disagreements but I cannot have that same negative energy in my home that I had growing up. I also realize  I need to "let go" a bit and allow DH to be more of a parent when he is around (which isn't a lot.) that's hard to do! he is a very different person than my dad but there will always be an slight undercurrent of trust issues. it's in my blood. thankfully I've worked through a lot of this crap with my old therapist. having said all this, I still think ginny will be consciously raised in a very similar way that my single mother raised me.

it's tricky stuff.